Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
