I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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