dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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