Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
