so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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