I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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