i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
