I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
