Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
