is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
