I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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