I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You can't just leave with hair like that
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
