he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
