May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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