I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
