and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
