I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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