He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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