if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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