Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
