If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
