$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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