Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Randomize
