oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
