I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize