One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
