Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize