I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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