my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
