I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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