Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
