U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
