when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
