I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
