I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize