After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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