Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
