I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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