1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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