take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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