Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
