My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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