Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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