Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
