I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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