I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
