I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
