I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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