I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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