i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
