Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
