i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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