and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
