I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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