nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
3pm strippers are depressing
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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