Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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