God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
