My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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