i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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